As I sit here, eating a Reese's peanut butter pumpkin, I'm thinking back on the year, mostly the last half of it. Lots of crazy stuff happened. Lots of crazy stuff pertaining to me being treated like a Rumba in everyday life. By that I mean, handy, cute and helpful when needed, but otherwise dismissed (unless you are a cat needing a ride to the kitchen). I’m talking equal rights here. I’m sure plenty of bigots call on their little gay friends when they want fashion advice or decorating or cooking tips. Hell that even happens to me, but when it comes to something real, like say, life issues, or rights, well then just put that little gay Rumba back in the closet, at least until the floors need cleaning. But that’s how it feels sometimes. We’re fun to have around, but easy to dismiss.
Between not being an equal citizen from the day I was born, to the Chick-Fil-A debacle in the summer and the recent election, it’s really hit me how separate but equal* we are. (*Separate but Equal invalid everywhere) Gay people I mean. Hell I cut off some family over some of this stuff, had arguments over it, came to some kind of something and then had them turn right around and shout out their blatant support for someone who sees me as diseased and unnatural. Go figure.
There is a decent sized group of people who aren’t gay, who get it, and I really believe that. But for the most part, the general population can’t or won’t see why we are so upset. They love us on Modern Family or Will & Grace, but when we get real, when we talk about our lives as they talk about their own, it’s a different story. “What’s the big deal, marriage isn’t so great, it’s not like it changes anything…” an opinion from my boss who is a friend. And to no fault of his own, he just doesn’t get it. Willfully and or blissfully ignorant, or maybe just indifferent, I don’t know. But it’s not the religious nut jobs that get under my skin on the issue; their mind was made up by their parents or church long before they were adults. It’s the people who have no ill will toward me but don’t see what the big deal is out of pure ignorance or laziness.
I get it. Life makes you tired, and every one of us has crap to deal with every day. So why the hell care about someone else’s circumstance or problems. That’s a statement and not a question because sometimes I don’t care about anyone outside of myself or my life either, sometimes, but not as a rule. I would hope if I weren’t gay, I would have the same conviction about equal rights as I do being in the middle of it. I hope that in some parallel universe where my genes were aligned just a little differently, that I would want everyone on the same footing no matter who they are or who they love. But I can only deal with the universe I live in. And at the moment, the ground isn’t level and I have to walk uphill to more places than most people realize.
I say all that to get to this, a “getting ready revelation” that I had this morning. My cousin Jennifer, who used to be really close to me as a fellow black sheep, gets more religious (in a kooky way) with each passing year. This year stuff came to a head and I feel that she won’t be a part of my life anymore. That’s ok with me, really it is, as I was always the one to call or write, and she really had no interest in my life. I was like a sideshow oddity in a way. (I’m strange about family bonds, an issue for another time.)
As an example, I had to go visit family some years back, and brought my absolute favorite movie of all time, Psycho Beach Party, to watch with Jennifer, because it’s a great movie and I thought we could share a laugh over it. When I suggested watching it, or even loaning it to her so she could watch it, she declined. It was obvious by her facial expression and tone that she feared it was a “gay movie” and didn’t want to have anything to do with it in the event beams would shoot from her TV and gay her up. Also when talking about my life, it was with a gross fascination, like how you ask about a car accidents grizzly details or when talking of the taboo in a hushed whisper.
At any rate, I realized this morning, that the reason she gets so upset when I point out that we are no different than her, in feeling and relationship and love, is because she knows it’s true, and that conflicts with her religious beliefs which she lets dictate her life, which is unfortunate for her and for SO many people. She remembers that I never once expressed interest in the opposite sex, ever, and that I squeed as a small child right alongside her when the New Kids on the Block were on TV and that when we played, my interests weren’t in step with the other boys she knew. She knew who I was, but refused to see. But as an adult, she knows in her heart that I was born and have always been the person that I am today. The fact that this is impossible according to the rhetoric that she listens to on Sundays and the fact that it flies in the face of her strongest beliefs must be the reason she chooses to not see these facts as an adult. It’s easier for some people to believe in a God that hates everyone but them and their little clique, and who helps win super bowls and sends devastating storms because of who I love, rather than to believe in humanity and doing no harm and loving and letting live. How nice it must be to leave tough decisions and critical thinking up to a “higher power”. I believe, that in the end, Their truth will be a joke, and the joke will be on them.
Ok, I admit, that’s a lot of thinking while eating one little peanut butter pumpkin, but the mind does wander while enjoying that…mmmm…salty goodness.
