Fear of the Unknown

Gay this, same sex that. 

Our issues have been in the news so much lately. We have been in the forefront of the peoples minds and guests at their dinner tables whether we knew it or not, uninvited or not.  I guess societal change has that effect on...society. 

Just last night Mom & Dad came in from out of town to visit, and I made them dinner.  James and I sat and ate with them and talked for hours and it got me to thinking...

Lets go back in time...

I remember after I came out and was dating, I got into an argument with my Mom about driving somewhere or something.  Who knows what it was.  I'm sure it was super important at the time, but the argument inevitably led me to retort that maybe my boyfriend and I would get married some day, and then she couldn't tell me what to do.  Of course she argued back that we couldn't get married.  At the time, we didn't dissect the whys and hows and whatnot's about me and another guy getting married.  Frankly, I don't know if her denial of my imagined wedlock was knowledgeable or just totally out of the realm of her reality or a knee jerk reaction, but it occurs to me that I had no concept of my inability to marry a guy.  I was a teenager but mature for my age, and decently bright, but it never occurred to me.  Of course I denied that this was true out of my own ignorance and perhaps a dash of hope but she was right.  Two men couldn't get married.  (Now cool your Birkenstocks ladies who munch, I will be speaking from the gay male point of view and as such, I may not refer to two women getting married outside of this sentence.  But I love you and support you too, so please don't forget that.  Despite my burly demeanor and my love of Xena and plaid, its my male point of view from the past, so suck it, or don't.) 

I find it interesting that even with my first hand knowledge of how gay people were viewed (see abomination), it absolutely blew my mind that we couldn't live or exist like anyone else.  I guess since I was in the club, and I saw us as people and not crazy sex monkeys you see in a sideshow tent, I thought we got to do all of the things everyone else did, just with fancier clothes and furniture, and lots of snapping. (I don't know either)  Little did I know how much we didn't get to do and how under the thumb of ignorance we were. 

The argument came and went and I learned in looking into it, probably purely to prove her wrong, that we had our place in society, and it was in an alley, in the shadows, and underground.  Don't get me wrong, progress for gay people had been made by the time I was a teenager.   We were no longer burned in the streets for sport, at least not as much as in the past.  But it was still a very harsh environment to be gay and not closeted and ashamed.  There were still tough times ahead, like  DOMA, DADT, Perez Hilton and Chick-Fil-A, but it wasn't quite the dark ages.  Except when it was.  Because there was also Matthew Shepard, and countless bouts of discrimination and hate, murders and suicides, all because we were less than.

You have to understand that not too long ago, a great many many people felt that we had a place, and we better know what that place was, or they would be more than happy to show us.  I count my family in those I previously mentioned as the "place setters".  As much as it pains me, far too many people still feel like this today but the tide is turning, things are better.  So of course, back then, my Mom knew that we, I, gay people, couldn't get married.  This was ingrained, carved in stone knowledge.  Morally, personally, in every way, gay people were less than, we were artificial.  That's just how it was.  And my Dad was, I'm sure, of the same mindset.  This of course comes from the from the guy who brought us such hits as:  "Let them be gay, they don't like women so they'll all die out eventually" and "how could you choose to do this, you might as well just shoot me in the head" and many many more! 


Now don't get me wrong.  That was a long time ago.  My parent's views have changed.  Whether they have changed for just me and James or for gay people in general I don't know and am honestly a bit scared to ask.  But we get respect and appreciation from them both.  They are proud of us.  They enjoy our company.  I think they see us as they would see anyone else.  But if things go the way I hope, and if we are allowed (eww) to marry, I wonder how it will sit with them, not just for us but for everyone this affects.  Will they smile at our wedding but yell at the TV because of the news of it happening all over the country?  Will they tell us how happy they are for us but nod their heads in agreement at their church when the preacher tells them that surely the end times are upon them because Sodom and Gomorrah exists here and now and is happening all around them because THOSE people got their "special rights"?  This unfounded fear of the unknown is wide spread amongst many people.


Maybe they don't fear what will happen if marriage becomes available to everyone.  Maybe they really fear that nothing will happen.  Their God wont strike the country down, he wont make a peep, which for them must be the most terrifying thing of all.  Silence speaks a thousand words and that must scare the hell out of them.  No one likes to be proven wrong, especially not on their home turf. 

But back to the current issue at hand, that little one we call love. 

As it stands for me, its not about government or laws or biological family. Sure, I lost some family due to that whole Chick-Fil-A thing, and some of my family holds views about me or rather "my sin" that would turn your stomach, and that's putting it nicely.  But my real family, the one I found with James, and those we got to choose, are the only ones that really matter to me.  And I'm ok with that.

We don't need a piece of paper or a judge or even the government to validate our lives or our love.  We are married in every sense of the word.  It would just be a great belated wedding present if we were told that we could take that pink triangle off of our sleeves and walk hand in hand with everyone else toward the future.  It's been a long journey, I just hope they validate parking.

Kiss My Grits

I've done this before.  Half-assed mind you but I have done this before.  Blogged I mean, but I'm going to give it another go when I feel I need to.  It won’t be regular and my thoughts may drift from side to side, that’s something I can promise you but it may be semi regular and somewhat organized.  I find as of late especially I have opinions that are hard to squeeze into 140 characters, which is what stole me from blogging before.  But I can do both.
  
As I sit here, eating a Reese's peanut butter pumpkin, I'm thinking back on the year, mostly the last half of it.  Lots of crazy stuff happened.  Lots of crazy stuff pertaining to me being treated like a Rumba in everyday life.  By that I mean, handy, cute and helpful when needed, but otherwise dismissed (unless you are a cat needing a ride to the kitchen).  I’m talking equal rights here.  I’m sure plenty of bigots call on their little gay friends when they want fashion advice or decorating or cooking tips.  Hell that even happens to me, but when it comes to something real, like say, life issues, or rights, well then just put that little gay Rumba back in the closet, at least until the floors need cleaning.  But that’s how it feels sometimes.  We’re fun to have around, but easy to dismiss.

Between not being an equal citizen from the day I was born, to the Chick-Fil-A debacle in the summer and the recent election, it’s really hit me how separate but equal* we are. (*Separate but Equal invalid everywhere)  Gay people I mean.  Hell I cut off some family over some of this stuff, had arguments over it, came to some kind of something and then had them turn right around and shout out their blatant support for someone who sees me as diseased and unnatural.  Go figure. 
 
There is a decent sized group of people who aren’t gay, who get it, and I really believe that.  But for the most part, the general population can’t or won’t see why we are so upset.  They love us on Modern Family or Will & Grace, but when we get real, when we talk about our lives as they talk about their own, it’s a different story.  “What’s the big deal, marriage isn’t so great, it’s not like it changes anything…” an opinion from my boss who is a friend.  And to no fault of his own, he just doesn’t get it.  Willfully and or blissfully ignorant, or maybe just indifferent, I don’t know.  But it’s not the religious nut jobs that get under my skin on the issue; their mind was made up by their parents or church long before they were adults.  It’s the people who have no ill will toward me but don’t see what the big deal is out of pure ignorance or laziness.  

I get it.  Life makes you tired, and every one of us has crap to deal with every day.  So why the hell care about someone else’s circumstance or problems.  That’s a statement and not a question because sometimes I don’t care about anyone outside of myself or my life either, sometimes, but not as a rule.  I would hope if I weren’t gay, I would have the same conviction about equal rights as I do being in the middle of it.  I hope that in some parallel universe where my genes were aligned just a little differently, that I would want everyone on the same footing no matter who they are or who they love.  But I can only deal with the universe I live in.  And at the moment, the ground isn’t level and I have to walk uphill to more places than most people realize.
I say all that to get to this, a “getting ready revelation” that I had this morning.  My cousin Jennifer, who used to be really close to me as a fellow black sheep, gets more religious (in a kooky way) with each passing year.  This year stuff came to a head and I feel that she won’t be a part of my life anymore.  That’s ok with me, really it is, as I was always the one to call or write, and she really had no interest in my life.  I was like a sideshow oddity in a way.  (I’m strange about family bonds, an issue for another time.)

As an example, I had to go visit family some years back, and brought my absolute favorite movie of all time, Psycho Beach Party, to watch with Jennifer, because it’s a great movie and I thought we could share a laugh over it.  When I suggested watching it, or even loaning it to her so she could watch it, she declined.  It was obvious by her facial expression and tone that she feared it was a “gay movie” and didn’t want to have anything to do with it in the event beams would shoot from her TV and gay her up.  Also when talking about my life, it was with a gross fascination, like how you ask about a car accidents grizzly details or when talking of the taboo in a hushed whisper. 
At any rate, I realized this morning, that the reason she gets so upset when I point out that we are no different than her, in feeling and relationship and love, is because she knows it’s true, and that conflicts with her religious beliefs which she lets dictate her life, which is unfortunate for her and for SO many people.  She remembers that I never once expressed interest in the opposite sex, ever, and that I squeed as a small child right alongside her when the New Kids on the Block were on TV and that when we played, my interests weren’t in step with the other boys she knew.  She knew who I was, but refused to see.  But as an adult, she knows in her heart that I was born and have always been the person that I am today.  The fact that this is impossible according to the rhetoric that she listens to on Sundays and the fact that it flies in the face of her strongest beliefs must be the reason she chooses to not see these facts as an adult.  It’s easier for some people to believe in a God that hates everyone but them and their little clique, and who helps win super bowls and sends devastating storms because of who I love, rather than to believe in humanity and doing no harm and loving and letting live.   How nice it must be to leave tough decisions and critical thinking up to a “higher power”.  I believe, that in the end, Their truth will be a joke, and the joke will be on them.

Ok, I admit, that’s a lot of thinking while eating one little peanut butter pumpkin, but the mind does wander while enjoying that…mmmm…salty goodness.